Switzerland
Clockwise from top left: Swiss mercenaries after the Anatolia War • Skyline of Nice • Monument of epic win, a World Heritage Site • Janny declares TSV • Last supper in Bern

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Leader	lim_brick
Population	~20 ~10-15 during wars
Capital	Bern
Towns	Bern Nice Luambo (colony)
Notable members	gorgekush420 jammy_nutrient enigma108 parler1
Engagements	Italian Civil War Sino-Japanese War Anatolia War Franco-German War Battle of Paris Battle of Belgrade

Switzerland was a nation in southern Europe that played a unique role in iteration 34 as the server’s morally dubious mercenary state. The Swiss mercenary company was created and organized by Thog, whose negotiation skills would have led you to believe he had Ashkenazi Jewish ancestry.

Because of its distinction as a mercenary state, Switzerland participated in various conflicts across the server map and made an impact in the outcome of World War I through backroom dealings with multiple European powers. Members of Switzerland had the rare quality of being likeable newfags, and propagated the nation's neutrality through diplomatic visits to other countries. Switzerland obtained alliances from every major power in Europe with the notable exception of Estonia, which was led by PhantomGuy. Diplomatic efforts spearheaded by Thog, in combination with the Nodes plugin's built-in 48 hour truce period ¹⁾, allowed the nation to avoid direct invasion for the entire iteration. Hava Nagila!

Switzerland had two main towns: Bern, its capital, and Nice, a solo buildfag town that served as a Mediterranean port. At its greatest extent, the nation held territories in the Po Valley beyond its original borders and maintained an African colony in the Congo.

Author’s note: This is a condensed summary of the nation’s history. Some details may be left out or appear unclear to readers. In other words: you had to be there, and if you weren’t, all you can do now is seethe and cope.

Domsquad decided to play as Switzerland after some deliberation shortly after /int/craft 34’s official announcement. ²⁾ Part of this decision came from a general desire to take on a more active role in the geopolitical autism the server was known for. The easiest way to do this was to get caught in the crossfire of the European shitshow.

Domsquad, now moved on from PhantomGuy, received a grim reminder that Phantom himself still hadn’t moved on from Thog’s betrayal back in iteration 32—it was quickly discovered that he attempted to spy on the group’s Discord server with the alt account parler1. His eventual defeat in the Italian Civil War would bring closure to a grudge already a year past its expiration date.

Following the unification of Italy, Domsquad received an influx of new players, as group members, most notably jammy_nutrient and g0ndola, brought their friends to further embolden the Swiss cause and eventually convince Thog that the group was destined to prove itself in the inevitable server conflicts.

We did a little trolling

Switzerland soon expanded its borders through friendly commerce with France and a now-unified Italy, adding the territories of Nice and Venice to the alpine nation’s growing realm. The Swiss also relished in their share of colonial wealth during the iteration's Scramble for Africa event after subjugating the doctors, engineers and scholars that inhabited the Congo: server admin Xethyr offered to convert the nation’s African colonies into territories under direct control of the capital, and Switzerland enjoyed resource production that nearly paralleled the server’s great powers.

This same guy arranged the acquisition of more than 28,000 gold blocks from three nations

Despite the growth in income, the Swiss eventually realized that there was no point in hoarding resources and crafting weapons if you didn’t really have anything to use them on. Thog decided to remedy this by creating the “Swiss Mercenaries”, rebranding the country’s bored and untrained army into an incipient mercenary crew that could “kill these niggas, then rape them,” [sic] while maintaining a historically accurate neutrality larp.

The ragtag mercenaries endured a rocky start. In their first round of combat, they were temporarily hired by soldiers from Germany to help defend their claims during the Scramble for Africa. However, the mercenaries’ first opponent, the Kalmar Union, stackwiped them in the Ghanaian savannahs due to poor visibility from unfamiliar terrain. While a crushing defeat, the encounter enlightened the Swiss of the long road ahead of them before they would ever earn bread against the femboy sweats and zoomer hordes of /int/craft.

Just before the first war weekend, the Swiss were approached by the newfag Japanese, who wanted to hire them to fight the Qing Chinese in the Far East. Since the Qing were led by Domsquad’s previous adversaries from iteration 32, Thog quickly took the offer. Swiss soldiers who wished to volunteer in China were subject to a strict training regimen—branded as “kung fu fighting”—in preparation for their first wartime engagement.

During the war, Swiss mercenaries mainly focused their troops on supporting Japanese invasion efforts in southern China, as the country’s neutrality larp prevented the company from actually declaring war and claiming land. This doctrine meant that the mercenaries were essentially glorified memeraiders with the freedom of murdering innocent people while abusing the safety of their alliance network and the extremely generous truce period. But it’s far too late to cry about it now. It’s just business.

A meme mspaint summary of the war in China

While there were some memeworthy moments during Switzerland’s time in China, like the northern front’s voicechat being an absolute shitshow thanks to /int/ernational language barriers between the Japanese and the Mongolians, the Swiss mercenaries coordinated well with the Japanese, and this first war day impression would grab the attention of other nations, especially in Europe.

In the end, the combined efforts of the Swiss, the Japanese, and their Mongolian allies were able to overpower the Qing defense and finally lay siege to Lanzhou, the Chinese capital, but not before a gruesome last stand in the capital’s massive central palace.

War footage is split between these two videos.

After Switzerland's success in China, the mercenary company was invigorated, eager to satiate their newfound bloodlust. Job offers flowed in from different nations across the map, with every new offer more tempting than the last. One client reportedly offered a reward of four CS:GO keys to each participating mercenary.

An inaccurate depiction of the Swiss diplomatic visit to Belgrade

Following some argument between Thog and TheSpookyBone, the Byzantine emperor, the next job offer taken by the Swiss was fighting alongside the Byzantine Sovereignty in the Anatolian War. This didn’t really come as much of a surprise, as Switzerland’s diplomatic relations with other European countries—in particular, the Byzantines and the Italians—were easily forged through a series of peaceful state visits.

Serbian commander BuckEmDown briefed the Swiss high command on the upcoming war: being unable to claim enemy land, the mercenaries would provide additional support as the Byzantines would push into Cyprus and encroach on British claims in the Levant.

A recording of the war can be found here.

Although the war ended before the Byzantines could conquer Damascus, the operation was considered a success for both the Swiss mercenaries and their Byzantine clients, as the objective of driving the British out of Anatolia was reached. However, the awful struggle in the Levant at the end of the war should not be overlooked. Mountainous terrain combined with fierce resistance and a clientfag from God’s chosen people slowed down the fighting to a halt.

Propaganda poster by larkhund

Following their contract with the Byzantines, Swiss mercenaries became a fair choice for anyone in need of more players for combat. The only other alternative for nations and their allies was to invite more redditors and zoomers. Given the allure of their convenient location in Europe and source of additional manpower, the Swiss inevitably found themselves in the upcoming Franco-German conflict.

However, as tensions in Europe grew, their friendship with the Byzantines, the French, and soon the Russians made certain that Thog and the rest of the Swiss would struggle to remain impartial when discussing dealings with the great powers of the continent. Still, none of us are perfect: if we were, we’d be reenacting this iteration umpteen times over using neural networks to roleplay as our beloved /int/ generals. Bias just adds more SOVL, especially when we benefit from it.

The drama leading up to the second war weekend presented the Swiss with a choice: either willfully fight for the newly formed anti-Norse coalition, or chase the money and get hired by the Kalmar Union and its allies.

Note the keyword choice here. Remember that bias mentioned earlier? There shouldn't have been a choice if the Swiss wanted to remain impartial: a mercenary company typically offers its services only to the highest bidder. The Swiss were aware that the Kalmar Union and its current allies would outbid the coalition by virtue of their combined empires. However, most members felt that fighting for the anti-Norse coalition would best preserve the nation’s sovereignty as multiple coalition members shared friendly relations with the small nation. Additionally, the capitulation of Italy after the first war weekend by the Norse gave them a direct border with Switzerland in the Italian Peninsula. Nevertheless, a plebiscite was internally conducted in order to formalize the decision.

Unsurprisingly, a vote of 10-5 was decided in favor of the coalition. While this meant that the Swiss violated its own neutrality meme, most of the server appeared to have turned a blind eye and the scandal was quickly swept under the rug by Soros-funded propagandists.

“Skeleton crew stationed at Gibraltar.” Clearly only a jester could come up with something so ridiculous.

Although the Swiss were excited to fight for their close allies as war day arrived, their luck was not as receptive to their enthusiasm. For the first 30 minutes of the war, mercenaries were initially deployed to assist Byzantine forces in the capture of the port of Gibraltar, but British counterattacks and Spanish incompetence bogged down the offensive as pro-Byzantine defenses were blown up by enemy artillery before the first hour of the war ³⁾.

Swiss chief sostrooper was soon contacted by Stryker, the emperor of France, to abandon the Gibraltar mission and join the defense of Paris. The Byzantines, aware of the French situation, promptly agreed. As France was preparing to fight on two simultaneous fronts, Swiss mercenaries quickly shifted priorities to Paris, which would soon become the most important objective of the war.

Switzerland's presence in the Battle of Paris can be described as chaotic and disorganized during its initial stages. While Bern was not under threat of attack, the primary mission for Switzerland was to provide 110% satisfactory customer service. However, there was a clear lack of directive within Swiss communications, as the mercenaries split themselves up between delaying the Norse advance to the west or defending against the massive German force to the northeast. While Bern’s close proximity to Paris was a great advantage, this would only encourage the Swiss to disperse frequently, although their nation's network of alliances allowed them to join the front line without much difficulty. There were still some instances where organized units of Swiss mercenaries would fight skirmishes against German soldiers in front of Paris, and sometimes within the abandoned ruins of Stongduke's Clownscape.

Designated blackpills section

A couple hours into the battle, the situation became dire as Paris was being strangled on both sides. The constant ringing gunfire. The barbed wire traps that infested the ground like a pox. The gory mess of items everywhere. The abominations of dirt, wood, and stone built hastily for defense. And a lone fighter plane, a hideous vulture orbiting the doomed city, painted in a moody red, as if covered in the blood of its prey. ⁴⁾ These were not unusual sights during the battle. As Norse territorial gains creeped eastward, the western walls suffered worsening damage from artillery fire, and some Swiss soldiers assisted the surviving French engineers in raising makeshift defenses. An urban legend suggests that the French emperor cried “C'est fini” as he felt his nation's final hour drawing near. ⁵⁾ While the holdouts were prepared to fight brutal urban warfare in France’s last stand, a sudden disturbance came from none other than the server itself…

Clownscape: formerly the town of Dijon, this was a failRP dystopia that silently watched over the Franco-German conflict. Paris is visible to its west.

Exaggerated details aside, the battle up to this point was truly dreadful from a defender’s perspective. But I wasn’t kidding about that disturbance part: thanks to what appears to be a well-timed madmin epic fail, the server suddenly crashed in the middle of the war—and with that, so did the momentum of the Nordic-German assault on Paris.

Whether this server crash can be held responsible for the eventual French victory of this battle is heavily disputed. The author believes that it did play a major role. Some players’ machines suffer skill issues running virtual legos. Can you blame them?

“Nous sommes de retour”

Indeed, the war saw a complete reversal of the tactical situation. A shift in French strategy to a “rotating deathstack” model ⁶⁾ and a temporary loss of players from all nations from the server crash gave Paris ample breathing room to recuperate from its position: this would begin with the recapture of Brittany, driving out the Norse from their once advantageous position. Switzerland also experienced some smaller triumphs following this reversal: more players gradually logged on to bolster the mercenary rally, including flagship Mossad agent jammy_nutrient. Their late arrival was easily forgiven when they discovered an opening in the German tunnel network: a small Swiss force found a way inside the walls of Frankfurt and later carried out a brief assault against its defenders.

With the end of yet another war in Paris, a wave of burnout was felt across all nations, with Switzerland being no exception. The Swiss were nonetheless happy with their performance in the war, and most members expected the server to end now that their pockets are filled, politicians corrupted, and soldiers honored. That was, until…

The ruins of Frankfurt after war day 1. We didn't fight in this conflict, but the scale at how autistic these wars were is worth the mention.

Work in progress.

Work in progress.